Learning to Embrace the Darkness

Admittedly I'm very impressed with myself for coming up with that title.  It will probably be the best part of the post!

I've been trying very hard lately to create a better relationship with the Prince of Darkness (the 8 year old).  This guy can be so hard to deal with, and is extremely self-centered.  If I say, "The world doesn't revolve around  you!" he will immediately come back with, "Yes it does!".  I have also gotten, "I command you!" and "I'm the king of this world!"  The Pod is a total control freak.  He always has been.  And it's root is anxiety.

For several years now I've found it nearly impossible to connect with the PoD.  Everything was a fight, a battle of wills, and boy, does this kid have a will.  He dominates his brothers (which is kind of funny, considering how small he is and how big Buddy is).  One time he made me cry, than he laughed at me and called me a crybaby. I've often thought that he didn't have a conscience.  He fights with me about things that aren't real.  We fought for months because he wanted me to peel his skin off so he could be a skeleton.  Really fought!  We've also argued about how horrible I am because I won't get him a time machine, or because I won't drop him off at the mountains so he can go climbing.  Things like this just really wear me down.  On the flip side, he can also be super hyper, and crazy insane silly.  There are two different boys in one tiny body, and they both drive me bananas.

Anyway, lately I've been trying to break down my issues with him.  I try to remember to praise him like crazy for the tiniest bits of positive behaviour.  I give him lots of hugs and kisses (when he'll let me).  I try to organize things so that he can be first (or at least have his choice of being first) for homeworks and bedtime (gotta be number one, right?).  I've also been trying hard to feed into his Star Wars fascination.  Budgets have been tightened to allow for rewards and posters and such to keep him happy.  I keep him a steady supply of food to keep his mood and blood sugar up (he's super weird about food.  He lives on garlic bread (with the crust peeled off), milk, and nutella on toast.  Sometimes he'll eat a strawberry or a grilled burger.  And popsicles.  I'm obsessed with his laxative meds (he gets super bad when he's constipated, but who wouldn't?).

It does help.  He does have a deep need for security and reassurance.  Inside the raving son of satan that he can be, he's a fragile little boy.  It doesn't hurt that he's as cute as sin!

This is my life?

So, here I am.  Three boys with autism, a husband, and living thousands of miles from home.  If I had made a list of things least likely to happen, it's happened.  I never even wanted to move away from my hometown!  We have no family around, and my husband works a lot.  I'm in the driver's seat guiding these bizarre little men through life.  I worry about pooping, talking, and eating. I don't know why I've been gifted with these boys.  I can barely manage myself most days. I need anti-anxiety meds just to make it through a normal day.  I obviously have lessons to learn.  Everything happens for a reason.

As it happens, it's been a blessing that we moved to the UK.  They get so much help here through the health service, and their school is just amazing.  I also have a great network of other aut moms, and they really make all the difference.

We've certainly learned to value the little things (two quiet hours to watch a movie for example).  Time for romance is at a premium.  By the time we both land in bed, one of us is usually asleep, or Buddy will pop in for a cuddle.  I spend more time in his bed than I do in my own.  Melatonin has been my salvation.  Everyone gets one or two tabs crushed in their milk, and voila! happy sleepy time.  All the boys get a cuddle to sleep from me: it's usually the best time of the day.

Now feeding time is more difficult.  Normally, it's one meal for me and hubby, and one each for the rest of the boys.  The Prince of Darkness eats about, well, not much.  He'll eat nutella on toast, sometimes egg whites, sometimes beans and toast (rarely), sometimes sausages, pizza with no cheese (if it's from the store), and milk. Apart from ice cream and sweets that's about it.  It's completely aggravating.  Buddy will eat just about anything, including hot spicy stuff.  Tomatoes are a no-no (although he'll eat salsa, go figure).  Bear is somewhere in the middle.  He'll eat peanut butter out of the jar, pasta, pizza, bacon, ham and so on.  Last night I made hamburgers on the George Foreman, and it was the first time in months that I had made one meal that everyone ate.

And then there's the clothes issue.  The POD is the worst again here.  Almost impossible to find things for him to wear.  It has to look, feel, smell right.  Has to be the right color, and fit whatever weird prerequisites he has in his head.  Who knows.  He's got maybe two shirts he'll wear, but only if he's going out.  At home he's topless.  He likes wearing blankets.  Buddy will wear about anything (but has problems with socks).  And he puts some weird outfits together.  My little Bear is pretty good, but has a thing about blue hoodies.  Loves em.  Once I get him dressed, he doesn't like to take his shirts off.  Goes pantless a lot.

And bathing.  Buddy with have a tub or a shower everyday (which is good, since he's getting towards puberty and is getting body odor).  The POD is currently on strike.  This doesn't help his eczema at all.  And his finger nails are hairy scary.  And Bear is terrified of the tub.  I fill the tub up, grab him, stand him up in the water and do a fast scrub and dump while I hold him still with one hand.  And he screams.  I'm really not sure how to handle this one.

At least I don't know any different.  This is all normal to me.  And I always said I wanted eccentric kids.  Ha.  Be careful what you wish for!